Wouldn't it be nice if there were a cure for nostalgia? Something to magically cease to miss things you no longer have. I think that would be nice. Or would it be simpler if there were no need or emotion for missing someone or something. Yeah, I like that idea too.
When it comes to matters of the heart I guess all we can do is man up and embrace every emotion like the bullet that it is and hope we survive.
I find forgetting about someone a simple task for me to do. I do it rapidly and I do it well. But then there is a period of time where I have forgotten completely about that person and when a sudden impeccable reminder pops up, I remember everything. Every emotion that I had and tossed away restores itself within me. It's quite horrible.
In this case, I miss someone that I never even had. It's highly unpleasant, yes. But I cannot bring myself to let it go. These emotions: nostalgia, loneliness, love, hope... they are all tenaciously pulsing through me making it an impossible task for me to even want to forget anything.
It's funny how I find myself in this situation due to the fact that it is one that is of extreme creepiness. But I can't help it. I don't care.
I want to feel these emotions. I don't want to bottle them up. I want to savor them. God only knows why, but I do.
It's like an intense case of phantom limb, expect there was never a limb to begin with. Sad, I know.
I almost feel guilty in indulging in these emotions. They make me feel like a squeamish school girl. No. They make me feel like a fat kid who has a secret stash of goodies. Yes. That's the right metaphor.
I know that in the end, when my high hopes come crashing down that it might hurt just a little. But I can handle it.
I don't are if these feelings are completely fatuous. I don't.
I know that we aren't meant to be, but that doesn't mean that we are perfect for each other.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
Sun Kissed
Sometimes, it's really difficult to understand time. Time never stops; it's a tenacious entity that dictates the lives of everything in existence.
Let me tell you, today, right now, I am 17. A measly 17 year young girl, who knows nothing about life, nothing about labor, ardor, doing... the list goes on and on.
Today I am 17. I will be graduating high school in less than 17 days. I will end a major chapter of my ephemeral life and continue a new one.
Nothing is more scary than knowing you will soon inevitably be thrown into a new and complex world and be forced to leave your old one behind. Don't get me wrong, I could not be anymore exciting about attending college. Really. But it's a scary thought. It's scary mostly because it is going to be something so new and so enticing to me. I've been daydreaming about college since I was 12 years old. I've been wondering where I will end up for years, and now that I know where I will be and what I'll be doing it seems so surreal. I almost can't handle it.
Every rose has its thorn. Going to college will be wonderful, yes. But in exchange for a wonderful experience there will be a handful of things that I will have to give up. I will no longer be under my parents' supervision or protection. They won't be there for me every single time I need them to get my ass out of trouble... I will have to say good-bye to 98% of my friends. No, family. I have grown up with all of them. I've know them all for 13 to 6 years and have seen all of the same faces everyday, not seeing them all anymore... well, it's going to be strange. I will not have anyone who will willingly keep me on track. I will for the first time in a while, have to rely on myself 100% and not half ass anything. And most of all, I will have to give up my childhood, completely. I won't be able to be so weird or comfortable around everyone anymore... at least not at first, because I definitely have quirks that only special people can withstand... I don't know. But this transition will be so major and so different. That's good though. Change is good.
All in all, the last 4...17 years really, of my life have been, well alright. I've had ups and downs, but who hasn't? Being a toddler, a litte child, a kid, a preteen, a teenager, and now a young lady... well it's been great. Preteen and the life stages preceding to that one, were great. The best. But high school was definitely the cherry on top... but I'll talk about that some other time...
Let me tell you, today, right now, I am 17. A measly 17 year young girl, who knows nothing about life, nothing about labor, ardor, doing... the list goes on and on.
Today I am 17. I will be graduating high school in less than 17 days. I will end a major chapter of my ephemeral life and continue a new one.
Nothing is more scary than knowing you will soon inevitably be thrown into a new and complex world and be forced to leave your old one behind. Don't get me wrong, I could not be anymore exciting about attending college. Really. But it's a scary thought. It's scary mostly because it is going to be something so new and so enticing to me. I've been daydreaming about college since I was 12 years old. I've been wondering where I will end up for years, and now that I know where I will be and what I'll be doing it seems so surreal. I almost can't handle it.
Every rose has its thorn. Going to college will be wonderful, yes. But in exchange for a wonderful experience there will be a handful of things that I will have to give up. I will no longer be under my parents' supervision or protection. They won't be there for me every single time I need them to get my ass out of trouble... I will have to say good-bye to 98% of my friends. No, family. I have grown up with all of them. I've know them all for 13 to 6 years and have seen all of the same faces everyday, not seeing them all anymore... well, it's going to be strange. I will not have anyone who will willingly keep me on track. I will for the first time in a while, have to rely on myself 100% and not half ass anything. And most of all, I will have to give up my childhood, completely. I won't be able to be so weird or comfortable around everyone anymore... at least not at first, because I definitely have quirks that only special people can withstand... I don't know. But this transition will be so major and so different. That's good though. Change is good.
All in all, the last 4...17 years really, of my life have been, well alright. I've had ups and downs, but who hasn't? Being a toddler, a litte child, a kid, a preteen, a teenager, and now a young lady... well it's been great. Preteen and the life stages preceding to that one, were great. The best. But high school was definitely the cherry on top... but I'll talk about that some other time...
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