Great Expectations

We all have come across highly anticipated events in our lives; a birthday, a school dance, a date… any ol' event. Like prom for example. A girl, may have had the shittiest prom of her life, but that doesn't mean she didn't already have a perfect one to remember. You see, even though this girl may have had a crappy date, a ruined dress, not have danced, got drunk and threw up everywhere, and passed out way too early in the night to savor it, doesn't mean she doesn't have a good prom to remember. You see, she had her perfect prom. How? Well imagination a beautiful thing, and because of it the impossible is possible. We, the people, build things up in our minds. We imagine how things will and can be, and that allows us to live things we haven't had the chance to breathe. So even though we may be upset about how something turned out, we can always go back in our minds and relive that experience the way we didn't get the chance to actually live the first time.

A lot of times, we build this event up in our heads; what we expect it to be like, what we hope it will be like, what we think we know it will be like. Sometimes we expect the worst, and sometimes the best. Technically speaking, our expectations do not exactly directly affect the outcome per say, but the reality of it is that they do in the most subtle manner. Our attitude alone can change the circumstances. A positive attitude can easily make any given situation a better one. And of course, a negative attitude can make any given standing go from bad to worse in a matter of seconds. It's like basic math. A positive plus a positive is a positive, a negative minus a negative is a negative and a positive minus a negative… well that changes. But that can also apply to real life.

Like me for example, I thought I would be with my friends everyday for the month of June fucking shit up, but I'm not. I haven't seen them in 10 days. And even though the summer so far has given me nothing to remember, I have plenty of memories made in my head that haven't actually been lived yet. Yes, that might make me sound absolutely crazy, but sometimes it's the things that make people sound completely unstable that keep them the most sane.

The End of an Era, The Commencement of a New One

I closed the final chapter on the book titled "High School" on May 26th. It, for the longest time, was something that I fantasized about, dream about, anticipated… but as those final moments approached, the less excited I became about the event.
I had built it up in my head so much that towards the end, I was afraid that it would fail to meet my expectations… and for the most part it did.
It was not as glorious or as glamourous as I thought it would be. It was cold, long, and every speech given made me cringe for they were poorly delivered.
But alas, the deed is finally done.
As I my name was called, and I walked across the stage to receive an empty diploma holder, all I could think about was "THANK GOD."
I was happy to be done with high school. I was one of the only people who didn't and never will shed a tear over the conclusion of that mediocre education we were given throughout those four years.
It's not that I had a miserable high school experience. Quite the contrary, I had a great one. In those four years I managed to have 3 different sets of great friends, each slowly meliorating my social status. So by junior and senior year, I was popular-popular. (I was always popular, but not to the perfect extent).
It's not my friends were horrible, but it's more like I was never really comfortable with them. It wasn't like they didn't like me either, they did, it's just that I didn't really like them.
I already have my best and good friends, I don't need other ones.
ANY WHO
In August, I will be going off to college (LMU), and I could not be any more excited or nervous or scared. I'm glad that I will be in a completely different environment with completely different people. I'm anxious to see how many people will actually like me or hate me or whatever. But whatever happens, I hope it doesn't stop me from getting what I want out of life or from achieving my dream.
To conclude this rant of mine, I will just say that I'm anxious for the future, but with a sturdy past as my base, and a well-developing present in the making, I think my future is going to look pretty good. But hell, what do I know? I'm not a gypsy, or a psychic, or a wizard, so I could be completely wrong. But that doesn't change the fact that I am excited to find out.

High as a cloud, As ghostly as the wind

Wouldn't it be nice if there were a cure for nostalgia? Something to magically cease to miss things you no longer have. I think that would be nice. Or would it be simpler if there were no need or emotion for missing someone or something. Yeah, I like that idea too.

When it comes to matters of the heart I guess all we can do is man up and embrace every emotion like the bullet that it is and hope we survive.

I find forgetting about someone a simple task for me to do. I do it rapidly and I do it well. But then there is a period of time where I have forgotten completely about that person and when a sudden impeccable reminder pops up, I remember everything. Every emotion that I had and tossed away restores itself within me. It's quite horrible.
In this case, I miss someone that I never even had. It's highly unpleasant, yes. But I cannot bring myself to let it go. These emotions: nostalgia, loneliness, love, hope... they are all tenaciously pulsing through me making it an impossible task for me to even want to forget anything.
It's funny how I find myself in this situation due to the fact that it is one that is of extreme creepiness. But I can't help it. I don't care.

I want to feel these emotions. I don't want to bottle them up. I want to savor them. God only knows why, but I do.
It's like an intense case of phantom limb, expect there was never a limb to begin with. Sad, I know.
I almost feel guilty in indulging in these emotions. They make me feel like a squeamish school girl. No. They make me feel like a fat kid who has a secret stash of goodies. Yes. That's the right metaphor.

I know that in the end, when my high hopes come crashing down that it might hurt just a little. But I can handle it.
I don't are if these feelings are completely fatuous. I don't.

I know that we aren't meant to be, but that doesn't mean that we are perfect for each other.

Sun Kissed

Sometimes, it's really difficult to understand time. Time never stops; it's a tenacious entity that dictates the lives of everything in existence.
Let me tell you, today, right now, I am 17. A measly 17 year young girl, who knows nothing about life, nothing about labor, ardor, doing... the list goes on and on.
Today I am 17. I will be graduating high school in less than 17 days. I will end a major chapter of my ephemeral life and continue a new one.
Nothing is more scary than knowing you will soon inevitably be thrown into a new and complex world and be forced to leave your old one behind. Don't get me wrong, I could not be anymore exciting about attending college. Really. But it's a scary thought. It's scary mostly because it is going to be something so new and so enticing to me. I've been daydreaming about college since I was 12 years old. I've been wondering where I will end up for years, and now that I know where I will be and what I'll be doing it seems so surreal. I almost can't handle it.
Every rose has its thorn. Going to college will be wonderful, yes. But in exchange for a wonderful experience there will be a handful of things that I will have to give up. I will no longer be under my parents' supervision or protection. They won't be there for me every single time I need them to get my ass out of trouble... I will have to say good-bye to 98% of my friends. No, family. I have grown up with all of them. I've know them all for 13 to 6 years and have seen all of the same faces everyday, not seeing them all anymore... well, it's going to be strange. I will not have anyone who will willingly keep me on track. I will for the first time in a while, have to rely on myself 100% and not half ass anything. And most of all, I will have to give up my childhood, completely. I won't be able to be so weird or comfortable around everyone anymore... at least not at first, because I definitely have quirks that only special people can withstand... I don't know. But this transition will be so major and so different. That's good though. Change is good.
All in all, the last 4...17 years really, of my life have been, well alright. I've had ups and downs, but who hasn't? Being a toddler, a litte child, a kid, a preteen, a teenager, and now a young lady... well it's been great. Preteen and the life stages preceding to that one, were great. The best. But high school was definitely the cherry on top... but I'll talk about that some other time...

Impatiently Waiting.

Waiting. It happens, a lot. Maybe more than we would like.
It seems to be more frequent amongst people who have things to look forward to. In fact, I think that is the only group of people that Waiting affects.

Let me tell you, waiting, especially for someone who is impatient (like me) is probably one of the biggest catastrophes that takes place.

Currently as of today, March 8, 2011 9:19 PM, I am waiting for:
it to be tomorrow
for it to be Friday
for it to be the weekend
for me to get drunk
for me to makeout with boys
I am waiting for it to be the last week of March, so I can find out whether or not I have been accepted into UC San Diego
I am waiting for it to be the April 1st so I can find out whether or not I have been accepted into Santa Clara University and/or Loyola Marymount University.
I am waiting for my body to get skinnier (I am working out of course)
waiting for it to be Prom
Cherry Festival
be done with AP tests
waiting to graduate high school
and most importantly
I am waiting for summer.

Time feels like it's going impossibly slow right now, but I guess when all of these things come and go, it is going to feel like time sped by way too quickly.

I feel as though I should maybe smoke a ton of weed, literally, then when I am done being high, all of these things will have happened and I won't have to wait anymore.
Just kidding. A ton of weed is way out of my budget.

A Pack of One

You ever have those days where you kind of want to obliterate the human existence?
I've been having those days a lot lately.
Believe it or not, I am and can be quite antisocial.
The fact that I am still in high school enhances my problem a smidge more.
I can tolerate people quite a bit. But slowly, oh so slowly, I am letting my crazy get to me.
I can't stand being around so many people so often anymore. Especially since I don't like 98% of the people I know.
I realize that I have to suck it up, but I just need a break.
Everyone needs a break, and I need some time to myself.
Some time to be the lone wolf that I am.

Halloween 2010

My best friend's boyfriend, my best friend and I.

My Senior Homecoming: That Hot Blonde is my date.

Back From the Dead.

I haven't posted in forever. Ironically enough, I log onto this blog just about everyday. I just choose not to post anything.
It's been six months.
Well here's a recap:

I started my senior year of high school.
I was in my school's play for A Midsummer Night's Dream. (I was Robin Starveling).
I saw Say Anything for the third time in October.
My cat of 11 years died in December. (Dad ran him over by accident).
I completed my first season of Cross Country
I got accepted into Western Illinois University and Chico State.
I applied to Northwestern Missouri, Minnesota State something or other, San Jose State, Santa Clara University, Loyola Marymount University and UC San Diego. I am really considering Santa Clara and Loyola as my only options.
I got a Macbook Pro for Christmas
I also got some roller skates for Christmas too!
I got a kitten in November! Her name is Feebs.
I got a C- in AP Calculus for first semester. (Which is good considering that I thought I was going to get an F for sure).
I haven't been drunk since November.
I got a C for semester in my AP English class. Which is BULLSHIT.
I was a "hot" nurse for Halloween.
Track started on Monday and I am so stoked.
I auditioned for my school's musical yesterday.
and
I just got back from my best friend's little brother's birthday party.

Niente speciale.

I really am having a good time. I think, no matter how boring or how lame I think my life is, I will always know that I am wrong. My life is anything but boring or lame. If anything, I'm boring and lame. I really want to emphasize how great my family is, how wonderful my friends are and how happy I am. Sure, I hate myself most of the time, but it's not enough to make me miserable.

Really though, I want to say something:

TO ANYONE WHO HAS EVER BEEN MEAN TO SOMEONE, ANYONE:
I heard this interview with Jesse Lacey the other night and he said something that I found true and important. He said something something along the lines of "There are already so many horrible things that happen in the world that are beyond our control, so why don't people prevent horrible things from happening that they do have control over?"
So instead of making someone miserable. Leave them alone. Life has its way of devastating everyone at one point or another. So if it's making someone unhappy you want to do, leave it be. Life will take care of that for you.

Seriously.

Warped Tour 2010: Party On

(June 26 2010. Shoreline Amp., Mountain View, CA)

I've sort have become an ol' faithful to, what in my opinion is one of the "events of the summer," Vans Warped Tour. Sounds cheesey, I know.

I guess it's a teenage thing. I started going when I was 14 years old, and every year I have a blast.

The atmosphere is always exhilerating. A comibination of the sultry sun beating down on you, the aroma of sweaty people and guys who forgot to wear deodorant, musicians playing their hearts out, people smoking weed right next to you, and watching people resurface from a hardcore mosh with blood dripping from their mouths, is really fucking nice.

I thrive off of the crowd, each and every year. I really get into the shows. Quite literally might I add.

I am 5feet tall, so I am pretty short, and in those crowds, I might as well be surrounded by angry sweaty giants. But it's okay. Sure, when the show gets really intense and hot, I might not be able to breathe, but its all worth it. Because the ambiance is like no other.
It's enough to make me headbang and elbow people, and bust a move or someone's leg.
I'm pretty sure that if anyone saw me, they would laugh for hours because I look ridiculous. Not only because I look like I don't belong in that crowd, or because of my size, or even because I look like a raging maniac, but because I look like I am genuinely having a good time and relaxed at the same time... or maybe all of those things I just wrote. I'm not sure. Take your pick.

I must say though, the line ups are becoming worse and worse. But, that's what makes the shows so much better.
It gives you the opportunity to do whatever you want; to make it vivacious, by you yourself becoming audacious enough to get rowdy, and make the most of the show.

I like not knowing what band I'm watching, or the songs they're playing. It make my experience that much more virginal? I'm not sure of that either. But in my opinion, it's best to go alone. It's just one of those things that, even though you've done it before, it feels so new and different and better on your own.

And remember:
Wear waterproof makeup!
Bring a hairbrush!
Makeup!
Deordorant!! (especially if you're a boy!)
and
Hand Sanitizer!!
and you'll sure be in for a good and well prepared time.

Summer Calling

(^^Basically what I saw everyday for the first week of my summer vacation.)

Finally. It's here. the season the majority of the world looks forward to with the same loyal tenacious anticipation: SUMMER.

Most of us look forward to this season coming around because it means the endeavor is over, in relation to school, of course.

It means swimming day and night.
Laying out by the pool all day, in hopes of achieving that perfect tan.
Enjoying the best fruits of the year... The list goes on and on.

Summer this year to me means the last summer I have with half of my best friends before they all go off to college.
It means being able to become closer to the people and friends that I already have.
Summer means going to shows every chance I get. Sleeping for twelve glorious hours a night. Running for one hour. Swimming for one hour. And finally bike-riding for another hour. Life doesn't get any better than that.

I believe that summer has within itself a magical potion that can cure anyone and anything. It soothes the soul. It relaxes every part of one's inner being, and makes everything one-thousand times more appealing than it would any other time of the year.

I hope to God that this summer works it's mysterious magic on me once again, and blesses me with a perfect complexion, that self determination I need, a brighter and optimstic outlook on life, more time with friends, and the thing I hope fore most of all (which I shouldn't hope for at all_: the magic that will heal my heart, by either giving me the closure I deserve, or the chance I always wanted but was too scared to take.

I hope every one's summer is everything they wanted and more. :)

Cherish

Probably one of the best movies I've ever seen.
I felt so connected to the lead role, and had no idea why, or even a reason as to why.

Half-Baked Summer What?

(As you can probably tell, I am incredibily blown in that picture. We all are actually. *Correction: I'm actually extremely cross-faded).

In the beginning of the month, May 6/7th to be exact, I had my AP English Lit and US History exams. So as you can imagine, I was STRESSED OUT!
Well in my english lit class, I am really great friends with four lovely ladies. Well the five of us had planned for that following Saturday to be BOMB, and that we were going to get trashed to celebrate our newfound freedom.

Long story short- that night was awesome. Because I was cross-faded beyond belief and I was around people I love a great amount.

That was my first taste of summer. And I liked it.

Tomorrow is my last day of high school as a junior. And I am excited as fuck.

After tomorrow I can do whatever the hell I want. And what better way to initate summer than by going to Hawaii with all of your friends?

Spring Br-What?

(I felt the picture was appropriate due to the fact that is a butterfly gummy in my hand and it is spring.)
The time has come.
My favorite season of the year- Spring.
The time of perfect weather (not too hot, not too cold) has finally arrived.
And boy, am I glad. Well. Almost.

For most people, spring this year is just another season. Not anything new. Not anything planned.
It's a little more different and complex for me, and other people of course.

First off: School.
Spring this year is bringing all sorts of new and impossible obstacles to the table.
My spring break is practically tarnished because of homework and stupid projects. (The culprits: AP English, AP History.)
I have to take advantage of all of my spare time and fill it up with studying because...
First week of May, I take my AP tests. AKA: the most nerve wrecking and basically life-defining week of my life.
And I have to take my second SAT. And of course that will not be anything fun nor exciting.

(Those are just the things academically related too...)

There is also Prom I have to semi-worry about.
I say semi, because my "perfect prom" is out of the question now. (I was hoping to have the perfect date this year since last year went terribly wrong, but then again, I never get what I want.)
PIECE OF ADVICE: Never feel sorry for ANYONE! Always be honest and straight up!
Any who.
(I got my prom shoes!)
I have get a dress still, and I am not looking forward to that since, well, I feel I am morbidly obese.
So I am pressuring myself to lose weight. A LOT of weight.
All sounds fun right?
Mhmm.

The only thing I am looking forward to this spring is:
Sleep.
Showering.
And cleaning my room.

I am jealous of the fact that many, many other people will be enjoying their spring break in having fun. Unlike me.
Hope everyone enjoys the season!!

Patron Saint of Booze and Parties

Way, way back in the day, St. Patrick's day was a day simply celebrated by Catholics. Well... Not so much anymore.

Good ol' St. Patrick was initially from Roman Britain in the fifth century and was pretty wealthy. But unfortunately the poor guy was kidnapped by Irish raiders and taken captive to Ireland as a slave. According to him, he was told by God in a dream to flee from captivity to the coast, where he would board a ship and return to Britain. Upon returning, he quickly joined the Church in Auxerre in Gaul and studied to be a priest.

Patrick was called back to Ireland again some time later. He had quite the imagination. He explained the Holy Trinity by using the shamrock to inform the Irish people about The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit.

St. Patrick actually wore BLUE. But the color green was inspired by the shamrocks growing about.

And some how Lent triggered for there to be alcohol be involved... and the rest is history.

Nowadays groups of people cannot wait for St. Patty's Day to come along. Because after all what other holiday is one supposed to intentionally get wasted, and hook up with slutty girls or be the slutty girl? None. Besides, you get green beer!!
Really cool, right? (Yes, I am being sarcastic.)

Seriously, the holiday is completely pointless. Drinking and slutting it up, although I know sounds appealing to 99% of the population, but that's what makes it so sad and pathetic.
I am not all too sure if people are that desperate, or have a lot of weird voids to fill, but for them to WANT to get wasted and be a nasty, is really sad to see.
But that's just me.

I didn't wear green today. I refuse to conform to a social holiday that I do not even celebrate or believe in.

Guess I quit Thanksgiving too.... and the Fourth of July....

The Ballad of... St. Valentine?

Valentine's Day, is yet another day made national to give people a "reason" to consume.
(Many people don't really see it that way though).

Not much information is known about the real Saint Valentine. He was described to be: priest in Rome, a bishop of Interama, a martyr in the Roman province of Africa.
It's rather unclear how and why, St. Valentine has his own holiday. It's not even concrete fact if whether or not St. Valentine is in fact, the patron saint of lovers!

Either way, Valentine's Day is notoriously known for being the day of all of those who are in love, or have a significant other. It is a religious holiday for lovers. I suppose, they use that day to do something special for the person that they care about. Or as a good reason to have sex.
But whatever their motive they do not refrain from buying: chocolates, teddybears, cards, flowers, and taking their loved one out to dinner. Oh! And buying condoms, handcuffs, and lubricant.
Nothing says "I love you," more than having crazy sex... Right? Sure.

I on the other hand, have a nonexistent love life, and I am on the oppisite side of the spectrum when it comes to this holiday. And I am okay with that. For the most part anyway.
I honestly believe that I am much too young to understand what love really is. And I think dating in high school (particularly- my high school), would just be a waste of my time (being that 88% of the guys at my high school are: douche bags, idiots, and/or ugly. The other 12% that I would even consider are taken).
So instead, I do my best to avoid feeling anything for boys. And I've been rather successful for 2 years.
But as a consequence, I for the most part, lack the ability to really even feel anything. And when I do (begin to feel), it is always for the wrong person (usually douche bags who think that I'm an easy slut). But hey- I'll live.

In conclusion, these are the scenarios that I have come up with that would probably end up happening to me:
1)I'll become the Crazy Cat Lady, because I will have never married, and ended up in a house full of kitties, and smell of cat piss. (yay).
2)I will marry the first idiot who tells me I'm pretty, but does not love me. My marriage will be shit. And I'll be miserable.
3)I'll marry the first idiot who tells me I'm pretty, who doesn't love me. Have a super shitty marriage, kill him, end up on Snapped.

Just wonderful. Right?
Right.

Happy Valentine's Day!

The Perks of Being a Wallflower:

So the third week of December, I read The Perks of Being a Wallflower written by Stephen Chbosky. It was recommended to me by some girl that works at Barnes & Nobel, because she said it was like The Catcher in the Rye (my favorite book ever).
Well it was not even CLOSE to The Catcher in the Rye. At all.

After finishing the book, my thoughts were: "Whatthefuck happened?" and "The word "infinite" was completely over used."

So apparently, Charlie the main character (a socialy awkard freshmen) was molested by his favorite aunt, when he was little. The only reason he found out about his misfortune was because, when he was about to get laid by the girl of his dreams, he backed out cause he felt "uncomfortable." And then had a dream about his aunt later...

Charlie said the phrase, "I feel infinite." After that phrase was reworded to "and we were infinite," "and at that moment we felt infinite," "I was infinite..."
And if that phrase would have only been used ONCE, the book wouldn't have been as terrible.

The fact that this book was written in like the late 90s made the book worse that much more terrible. Because that was the time when everything that was written about in the book, was "in." (Stupid).

A LOT of people also said they could relate to Charlie. Could they really? No.
I doubt that all of those people had their favorite family member die, be molested by that family member, have your best friend commit suicide, do drugs, have a homosexual friend who kisses them (but is not homosexual themselves), be insanely smart, and then almost have sex with the love of thier life but then not.

Bottom line. The book was annoying. It tried too hard to be a "young adult novel," and to be a modern version of The Catcher in the Rye. And failed miserably.

New Year. New Again?

The new year is always an inspirational time. Because the year changing yet again, gives us a sense of hope that we can change as well.
We make these New Year's Resolutions, but how often do we pull through?
December 31st is just like a Sunday. Because generally speaking, people striving for a change (which is usually weight related) say "I'll start my diet on Monday."
So you see, Sunday and December 31st have that in common.

Most people tell themselves that they are going to lose those 10 pounds in the new year, or finally start making payments on time, or watering their plants everyday- thngs like that. No one ever really accomplishes what they had in mind. At the most, they'll keep their goal in mind for a week at the most. We suffer from extreme lack of commitment. (And no I am not bashing on anyone).

I think in order to achieve the goals we have in mind, we need to attempt them at a gradual pace. You know- baby steps. Not all at once. Because I think that the only reason we have goals in the first place is because we possess bad habits that keep us away from what we want. And I don't know many people who can change the habits they've had for ages overnight. Which is why our New Year's Resolutions hardly ever work out.

So in the mean time, you could either head out and go to your nearest donut shop, or to the nearest gym. (Well that is if you are at all concerned or not concerned with your figure).

I wish you all luck with whatever your New Year's Resolution may be. And I sincerely hope that you achieve it. I really do.
I also hope you all have a fabulous New Year's (Eve), and do not have to spend the last nor beginning seconds of the year passed out in the bushes or puking in a toilet from all of the alcohol you consumed. (Yes, that was me adding a touch of humor, trying to be funny).

And last but not least, I hope 2010 will be a better year for you, as I hope it is for me.

News Flash

Isn't it ironic, how some websites are designed and created purely for the users, so that they can basically expose themselves, but how not a single person gives a damn?
Really. Think about it.
Myspace, FaceBook, Twitter, Stickam, Blog site, and all other sites,
revolve around the life of the user. The sites allow the user to post bulletins, tweets, blogs, and God knows what else, that specify and give others a chance to see what is going on in the persons life, or what's on the person's mind.
But if the users of those websites, would stop and think about how they alone are exposing themselves, and think about how many people are "listening" or how many people even care, they would stop all together.
Because all in blunt honesty:
Nobody fucking cares what YOU have to think.
And THIS. This blog. Nobody fucking cares.
And I am quite aware of that.

It is just REALLY annoying, and sad when people write things they think that other people will care about. When the reality of it all, is the exact opposite.

So to spare those people some trouble, NO ONE CARES. GET OVER YOURSELF. WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY IS NOT IMPORTANT.

Let it snow, let it snow

If you've ever heard of the Central Valley, then you know that it is basically Farmer Country.
The northern portion is better known as the Sacramento Valley, and its southern half as the San Joaquin Valley. Sacramento valley receives about 20 inches of rain annually, but the San Joaquin on the other hand, is very dry, often semi-arid desert in many places.
I am from the more unfortunate half of the Central Valley.
So today, December 7, 2009, there was a huge fuss- because it snowed.
I suppose that it is in fact, somewhat of a big deal. It hasn't snowed (legitimately) here, or in the valley in general, in about 40 or so years.
This morning at 4:37 AM, my dad woke me up so that I could see it snow.
It was more of a disappointment. Because the snow would evaporate into nothing as soon as it touched the ground.
Everyone else was excited though.
Good for them.
My disappointment, is their joyous light.

Seriously? It was just snow.