Great Expectations

We all have come across highly anticipated events in our lives; a birthday, a school dance, a date… any ol' event. Like prom for example. A girl, may have had the shittiest prom of her life, but that doesn't mean she didn't already have a perfect one to remember. You see, even though this girl may have had a crappy date, a ruined dress, not have danced, got drunk and threw up everywhere, and passed out way too early in the night to savor it, doesn't mean she doesn't have a good prom to remember. You see, she had her perfect prom. How? Well imagination a beautiful thing, and because of it the impossible is possible. We, the people, build things up in our minds. We imagine how things will and can be, and that allows us to live things we haven't had the chance to breathe. So even though we may be upset about how something turned out, we can always go back in our minds and relive that experience the way we didn't get the chance to actually live the first time.

A lot of times, we build this event up in our heads; what we expect it to be like, what we hope it will be like, what we think we know it will be like. Sometimes we expect the worst, and sometimes the best. Technically speaking, our expectations do not exactly directly affect the outcome per say, but the reality of it is that they do in the most subtle manner. Our attitude alone can change the circumstances. A positive attitude can easily make any given situation a better one. And of course, a negative attitude can make any given standing go from bad to worse in a matter of seconds. It's like basic math. A positive plus a positive is a positive, a negative minus a negative is a negative and a positive minus a negative… well that changes. But that can also apply to real life.

Like me for example, I thought I would be with my friends everyday for the month of June fucking shit up, but I'm not. I haven't seen them in 10 days. And even though the summer so far has given me nothing to remember, I have plenty of memories made in my head that haven't actually been lived yet. Yes, that might make me sound absolutely crazy, but sometimes it's the things that make people sound completely unstable that keep them the most sane.

The End of an Era, The Commencement of a New One

I closed the final chapter on the book titled "High School" on May 26th. It, for the longest time, was something that I fantasized about, dream about, anticipated… but as those final moments approached, the less excited I became about the event.
I had built it up in my head so much that towards the end, I was afraid that it would fail to meet my expectations… and for the most part it did.
It was not as glorious or as glamourous as I thought it would be. It was cold, long, and every speech given made me cringe for they were poorly delivered.
But alas, the deed is finally done.
As I my name was called, and I walked across the stage to receive an empty diploma holder, all I could think about was "THANK GOD."
I was happy to be done with high school. I was one of the only people who didn't and never will shed a tear over the conclusion of that mediocre education we were given throughout those four years.
It's not that I had a miserable high school experience. Quite the contrary, I had a great one. In those four years I managed to have 3 different sets of great friends, each slowly meliorating my social status. So by junior and senior year, I was popular-popular. (I was always popular, but not to the perfect extent).
It's not my friends were horrible, but it's more like I was never really comfortable with them. It wasn't like they didn't like me either, they did, it's just that I didn't really like them.
I already have my best and good friends, I don't need other ones.
ANY WHO
In August, I will be going off to college (LMU), and I could not be any more excited or nervous or scared. I'm glad that I will be in a completely different environment with completely different people. I'm anxious to see how many people will actually like me or hate me or whatever. But whatever happens, I hope it doesn't stop me from getting what I want out of life or from achieving my dream.
To conclude this rant of mine, I will just say that I'm anxious for the future, but with a sturdy past as my base, and a well-developing present in the making, I think my future is going to look pretty good. But hell, what do I know? I'm not a gypsy, or a psychic, or a wizard, so I could be completely wrong. But that doesn't change the fact that I am excited to find out.

High as a cloud, As ghostly as the wind

Wouldn't it be nice if there were a cure for nostalgia? Something to magically cease to miss things you no longer have. I think that would be nice. Or would it be simpler if there were no need or emotion for missing someone or something. Yeah, I like that idea too.

When it comes to matters of the heart I guess all we can do is man up and embrace every emotion like the bullet that it is and hope we survive.

I find forgetting about someone a simple task for me to do. I do it rapidly and I do it well. But then there is a period of time where I have forgotten completely about that person and when a sudden impeccable reminder pops up, I remember everything. Every emotion that I had and tossed away restores itself within me. It's quite horrible.
In this case, I miss someone that I never even had. It's highly unpleasant, yes. But I cannot bring myself to let it go. These emotions: nostalgia, loneliness, love, hope... they are all tenaciously pulsing through me making it an impossible task for me to even want to forget anything.
It's funny how I find myself in this situation due to the fact that it is one that is of extreme creepiness. But I can't help it. I don't care.

I want to feel these emotions. I don't want to bottle them up. I want to savor them. God only knows why, but I do.
It's like an intense case of phantom limb, expect there was never a limb to begin with. Sad, I know.
I almost feel guilty in indulging in these emotions. They make me feel like a squeamish school girl. No. They make me feel like a fat kid who has a secret stash of goodies. Yes. That's the right metaphor.

I know that in the end, when my high hopes come crashing down that it might hurt just a little. But I can handle it.
I don't are if these feelings are completely fatuous. I don't.

I know that we aren't meant to be, but that doesn't mean that we are perfect for each other.

Sun Kissed

Sometimes, it's really difficult to understand time. Time never stops; it's a tenacious entity that dictates the lives of everything in existence.
Let me tell you, today, right now, I am 17. A measly 17 year young girl, who knows nothing about life, nothing about labor, ardor, doing... the list goes on and on.
Today I am 17. I will be graduating high school in less than 17 days. I will end a major chapter of my ephemeral life and continue a new one.
Nothing is more scary than knowing you will soon inevitably be thrown into a new and complex world and be forced to leave your old one behind. Don't get me wrong, I could not be anymore exciting about attending college. Really. But it's a scary thought. It's scary mostly because it is going to be something so new and so enticing to me. I've been daydreaming about college since I was 12 years old. I've been wondering where I will end up for years, and now that I know where I will be and what I'll be doing it seems so surreal. I almost can't handle it.
Every rose has its thorn. Going to college will be wonderful, yes. But in exchange for a wonderful experience there will be a handful of things that I will have to give up. I will no longer be under my parents' supervision or protection. They won't be there for me every single time I need them to get my ass out of trouble... I will have to say good-bye to 98% of my friends. No, family. I have grown up with all of them. I've know them all for 13 to 6 years and have seen all of the same faces everyday, not seeing them all anymore... well, it's going to be strange. I will not have anyone who will willingly keep me on track. I will for the first time in a while, have to rely on myself 100% and not half ass anything. And most of all, I will have to give up my childhood, completely. I won't be able to be so weird or comfortable around everyone anymore... at least not at first, because I definitely have quirks that only special people can withstand... I don't know. But this transition will be so major and so different. That's good though. Change is good.
All in all, the last 4...17 years really, of my life have been, well alright. I've had ups and downs, but who hasn't? Being a toddler, a litte child, a kid, a preteen, a teenager, and now a young lady... well it's been great. Preteen and the life stages preceding to that one, were great. The best. But high school was definitely the cherry on top... but I'll talk about that some other time...

Impatiently Waiting.

Waiting. It happens, a lot. Maybe more than we would like.
It seems to be more frequent amongst people who have things to look forward to. In fact, I think that is the only group of people that Waiting affects.

Let me tell you, waiting, especially for someone who is impatient (like me) is probably one of the biggest catastrophes that takes place.

Currently as of today, March 8, 2011 9:19 PM, I am waiting for:
it to be tomorrow
for it to be Friday
for it to be the weekend
for me to get drunk
for me to makeout with boys
I am waiting for it to be the last week of March, so I can find out whether or not I have been accepted into UC San Diego
I am waiting for it to be the April 1st so I can find out whether or not I have been accepted into Santa Clara University and/or Loyola Marymount University.
I am waiting for my body to get skinnier (I am working out of course)
waiting for it to be Prom
Cherry Festival
be done with AP tests
waiting to graduate high school
and most importantly
I am waiting for summer.

Time feels like it's going impossibly slow right now, but I guess when all of these things come and go, it is going to feel like time sped by way too quickly.

I feel as though I should maybe smoke a ton of weed, literally, then when I am done being high, all of these things will have happened and I won't have to wait anymore.
Just kidding. A ton of weed is way out of my budget.

A Pack of One

You ever have those days where you kind of want to obliterate the human existence?
I've been having those days a lot lately.
Believe it or not, I am and can be quite antisocial.
The fact that I am still in high school enhances my problem a smidge more.
I can tolerate people quite a bit. But slowly, oh so slowly, I am letting my crazy get to me.
I can't stand being around so many people so often anymore. Especially since I don't like 98% of the people I know.
I realize that I have to suck it up, but I just need a break.
Everyone needs a break, and I need some time to myself.
Some time to be the lone wolf that I am.

Halloween 2010

My best friend's boyfriend, my best friend and I.